2023-07-14 — burn bright

we lit the fire

... and it's burning bright.

I'm there again: burning bright underwater, slowly drowning while being set ablaze from the inside. Nothing to save me, nothing to put out this fire that comes and goes in waves every now and then; sometimes it creeps under my skin, sneakily but surely, hoping I wouldn't notice (and I usually don't), sometimes it just explodes in my chest and I have to scream, let it out before it eats me alive. Sometimes it spreads and scorches others, and I almost never want it to, but the fire is not easy to contain, even when you're submerged.

Especially when you're submerged.

But then you reach out to me, and I finally feel something else other than the heat, other than the heavy masses of water. Your hand is cold but also soft, and I have no choice but to take it, to embrace it and feel your inner warmth, to let it soften my thick skin. If I could, I would just bury myself in it. Suddenly I don't feel like I'm in danger, I don't have to run or hide. I can just be, just lay there with you in silence and this unexpected sense of comfort. Sometimes ice is not the answer to the burning inferno, sometimes mild heat is way better.

The flood comes anyway, but it's different this time. I have neither will, nor power to stop it; it just needs to pour out and I let it overtake me. I weep and weep, I almost scream, not because I feel rage though. I need to let all of my sorrow, my grief, my regret and despair out and I finally can. Not even can, I have to flush it out. So I just let that happen and you simply hold me the entire time, even though I'm sure I'm squeezing your hand too tightly. I just can't let it go, not again, not ever. If I were to die in this very moment, I would be honored to go away like this.

But I don't die, I don't disappear, I can stay like that for however long I please; for however long you want to stay like this. We are forever engrained in my memory now, just laying there, almost merged into one being again. And if I can give you anything in return, I hope you will find the flame in me useful.